Look Ahead: 2016 in Movies (March-August)

I was going to do this much earlier in the year but what with the Deadpool after-hype and the Oscars pre-hype (I was going to offer my thoughts, but eh, do we really need another blog post about #OscarsSoWhite?), it's been pushed to now. Disregarding movies that already came out or open this weekend (I plan on seeing Zootopia and Whiskey Tango Foxtrot). I'm gonna start with March 11th and go through every release I have something to say about. Should be a fun time.

10 Cloverfield Lane (March 11th)

I saw the first Cloverfield movie yeeeeeaaars ago, so I'm not entirely sure what to expect out of this movie. The trailer was decent enough, and John Goodman is in it for an indeterminate amount of time, and he's God, so there's that. The only little bit of trivia I know about this movie is that it's directed by an alumnus of my school's film program, so isn't that neat. Anyway, I'll most likely be giving this movie a look because it looks competently made at least. I don't think I'll be seeing it in IMAX though because that would probably give me a gigantic headache.

The Brothers Grimsby (March 11th)

This movie has waded in and out of my interest. At first I just heard that Sacha Baron Cohen was doing another Sacha Baron Cohen movie, and it was going to take place in some shitty town and it was gonna make fun of it and the locals were worried about their image. From that, I thought it was a Borat-type movie and I got kind of excited. Then I learned it was just a straightforward action comedy, and saw the lackluster trailer, and quickly forgot this movie was happening. Then a video blew up on YouTube of Jimmy Kimmel showing an outraaaaaageous clip from the movie that was deemed too hot for TV, and it piqued my interest. Then I found out that it's a scene of them hiding in an elephant's vagina whilst said elephant gets fucked by a male elephant, and I said, "Okay, hopefully the rest of the movie is good because I want to at least know what that scene looks like." And so far, all I've heard is that this movie is a silly action comedy whose best scene was given away to Jimmy Kimmel's audience. So I'm still on the fence about seeing this movie. Maybe on DVD. While drunk.

Midnight Special (March 18th)

There is a trailer for this movie, and I have not seen it. Not for any particular reason, as I am excited for this movie on paper - I just never really found the time to. And now, I figure, why not just be totally surprised by a movie for once? So, this movie could be completely expected shit and I won't know it till I see it, but oh well. It's got a competent director and an interesting (albeit vague) premise. When I heard it, I thought of E.T., and I'm hoping it delivers on that. But really, I have no idea what to expect from this.

Batman v. Superman: Dawn of Justice (March 25th)

Yet another movie that has floated in and out of my interest. The teaser trailer for this movie actually looked pretty awesome to me. I was never really concerned with the whole Batfleck controversy because A) I like Ben Affleck, and B) I'm not a comic book nerd and don't give a shit. Jesse Eisenberg as Lex Luthor is still kind of an iffy choice to me, and even after seeing a few glimpses of him in the trailers, I'll need to see the movie to be convinced, but in principle I like what they're trying for, making him a snobby millennial billionaire instead of the classic distinguished billionaire man. Then the first trailer happened and I realized that we're just going to give away that Batman and Superman eventually stop fighting and I got pretty bummed. Then the running time was announced to be nearly three hours, and I actually appreciated the movie for its lofty narrative goals, and I think it has some serious potential to be interesting. Then the last trailer came out and I was sold by most of the fight sequences - I think this movie will be at least decent. The DC Cinematic Universe is still young and has time to prove itself, and we'll have the first real cinematic appearance of Wonder Woman, so that's neat-o.

Hardcore Henry (April 8th)

I want this movie to be good, because the whole "let's make a first-person shooter movie" idea is one that I think could be really awesome, and some of the test footage I've seen from this film actually look really well put together. What I've heard from festival-goers thus far is that it's slick, dopey fun, and that's about all I could ask for. I also am thankful they changed the name from Hardcore to Hardcore Henry. I can imagine it'd be pretty awkward to try and google "hardcore pov movie" while looking for showtimes.

The Jungle Book (April 15th)

I have no idea how I feel about this movie. The director of Iron Man and Elf gives us one of two reboots of The Jungle Book coming in the next couple years, the other being from Andy Serkis, of all people. Anyway, Jon Favreau is a proven good director, and the cast is... interesting. Bill Murray as Baloo? Totally. Scarlett Johansson as Kaa? Whaaaaat. I don't know. The effects look pretty, and I doubt it'll be a complete piece of shit, but I really am gonna have to see the movie to get where they're going with this, because the promotions have not helped one bit. The posters make it look like one of those Disney animal documentaries that come out on Earth Day. Speaking of which, this movie comes out around Earth Day. I might be on to something here.

Keanu (April 29th)

This movie actually looks surprisingly awesome. It's written by and stars Keegan Michael-Key and Jordan Peele, and I'm a pretty big fan of their show and general sense of humor. This movie was actually sold to me on the pretense that Bill Hader would be playing their drug dealer, and I was down just from that. Then I found out that it's about them trying to save their cat who's named because of the characters' love for the movie John Wick, and simultaneously about their subverting racial stigmas. What a weird smattering of things for a comedy movie, put together by two people who continually prove themselves adept at comedy. I'm excited.

Captain America: Civil War (May 6th)

The first "summer" release (because summer starts seven weeks early in movie land) is Captain America: Civil War. I've been pumped for this movie since... well, since Captain America: The Winter Soldier, also known as Captain America: The Good One. This is the movie that Age of Ultron set up for, and by no surprise, the trailer looks like it will be much better put together than that film, or at the very least much more focused. Between this and Batman v Superman, looks like comic book movies are going all-out on interdenominational philosophical battles between dudes in suits (both featuring one in spandex vs. one in mechanical armor - small world!). This one looks like it might handle its (simplified) subject matter a little smarter, especially seeing as how Zack Snyder has always favored style over substance, but at the very least looks like a very well-directed action film from the Russo brothers.

Money Monster (May 13th)

I don't know what this movie is about. I think it's about a dude who holds up a TV show about money or corporate something? And I think George Clooney sympathizes with him or something? I dunno, it's directed by Jodie Foster and features the toothy girl from Mystic Pizza, I guess that's cool. I'll probably check this movie out just to put to bed its extremely early Oscar talk, which I don't understand because it's coming out in May - then again, the most trophies this year went to a movie that came out in May. Call me crazy, though, but I don't think Money Monster will achieve quite the same for its genre as Mad Max did. You never know, though. We live in a world where one of Scott Pilgrim's ex-girlfriends has an Oscar and a sentient nacho cheese monster is a presidential frontrunner; anything can happen.

The Angry Birds Movie (May 20th)

This movie is going to suck. And I'm gonna go see it so you can laugh at me making fun of it. I'm willing to bet on both of these things. The animation is good and it has a decent voice cast, but really, I can't see this movie being even okay, really. Half of the last trailer was a pissing joke, and Norm of the North all but eviscerated my level of tolerance for piss in children's films. Also, why was this movie made? Does anyone play Angry Birds anymore? I know they greenlit this movie in like 2012 when it was still relevant, but at this point why even go forward with it? If you're going to capitalize on a stupid trend, at least do it while it's still a trend. Fucking Sony doesn't even know how to sell out properly anymore.

Neighbors 2: Sorority Rising (May 20th)

Hit or Miss Jokes: The Movie. Or at least I'm assuming. I actually don't find Seth Rogen insufferable, or Zac Efron for that matter, and I enjoyed the first Neighbors movie, and the trailer for this one looked good enough. I mean, this movie's pretty redundant, but if anything it'll make a good distraction when it comes on cable. At least Rose Byrne is still hot.

X-Men: Apocalypse (May 27th)

I'm not gonna talk about Alice Through the Looking Glass because I'm not gonna see it. I'll be honest, I've never been a huge fan of the X-Men. I've seen a lot of the movies, and I think they're fine, but I've never been super invested in any of the stories, and I honestly have no intelligent explanation as to why that is. This movie looks good though, and my boyfriend Oscar Isaac plays the villain and it looks like he's gonna be pretty dope, so we'll see how it goes.

Warcraft (June 10th)

So, between this, the Ratchet and Clank movie, and the Assassin's Creed movie coming out in December, I guess 2016 will be the year that we put to bed the rule that video game movies are all terrible, because the latter two at least look like they have potential. I'm not counting The Angry Birds Movie because that movie was a bad idea from day one. Anyway, I don't give a shit about any of these video game series, so I don't have a dog in this fight from a fan standpoint, and I have absolutely no idea how this movie is gonna turn out. It's got some neat effects, but it could be really, really dumb. I'm gonna guess it's gonna be really, really dumb. I'll probably see it though because I'm a fucking idiot.

Finding Dory (June 17th)

I want to be really excited for this movie and I'm... not really. It looks fine. I dunno, this was always a weird idea to me. With the exception of Coco, in terms of Pixar movies, I'm basically just waiting for The Incredibles 2 at this point. But hey, the director of this directed my favorite Pixar movie, so maybe they'll pull through in their Pixar-y way. I wasn't too pumped for Inside Out based on the trailer, and that shit was great.

Independence Day: Resurgence (June 24th)

Please let this movie be filled with unabashed 90s cheese. If there's one thing Hollywood is lacking lately in its mainstream blockbusters, it's well-done cheese. I love cheese. Anyway, Jeff Goldblum is in this so I'm definitely seeing it even if it sucks dick.

The Legend of Tarzan (July 1st)

Am I the only one who thinks this movie looks really good? Like, I think this movie could be way better than it should be. David Yates is a bad-ass director, having directed the second best Harry Potter movie, the supporting cast is amazing (Samuel L. Jackson, Christoph Waltz, and Margot Robbie), and the visuals look great. I dunno, I'm kinda pumped for this honestly.

The Purge: Election Year (July 1st)

I think I judged The Purge too quickly. The premise doesn't make a whole lot of sense when the details come into play, but I'm willing to let premises to horror movies be kind of silly as long as the movie itself is well-made. The first Purge turned out to be a really generic home invasion thriller instead of making use of its at the very least interesting premise, and I decided to sign off the second one. But, with the trailers for the second movie and now Election Year, I think if you force yourself to know that these aren't really horror movies, it looks like they're getting better with each entry. This movie doesn't look very scary, but it looks like it could be fun. I don't understand the people on social media elevating these movies to be some brilliant social commentary, but I guess given the narrative complexity of most popular horror movies, by comparison this shit is pretty great. I dunno, I might give it a look.

The BFG (July 1st)

This is one of my most anticipated movies of 2016. This looks like classic Steven Spielberg, whose next three films including this one sound great, the others being Tintin 2 and Ready Player One. John Williams seems to have provided yet another brilliant score, the visuals look great, and I just got an E.T. feel from the trailer. It looks like after a decade of serious historical dramas, Spielberg might be taking a brief detour back into the fun movies he's known for. I am down.

The Secret Life of Pets (July 8th)

I'm seeing this because Louis C.K. is playing a dog in a children's movie and I want to be part of that world. The Kevin Hart bunny will probably annoy me. I hope this movie is good and they don't force a bunch of Minions shit into it.

LIGHTNING ROUND

Ghostbusters (July 15th) - Already covered this shit.
La La Land (July 15th) - Musical comedy starring Emma Stone, J.K. Simmons, and Ryan Gosling directed by the guy behind Whiplash. I am more than sold.
Star Trek Beyond (July 22nd) - I do not give a fuck about this movie.
Ice Age: Collision Course (July 22nd) - There are FIVE of these now.
Suicide Squad (August 5th) - This is either gonna suck or be amazing.
Sausage Party (August 12th) - The sausage character is gonna fuck the donut in the hole. I'm willing to bet money on this.
Kubo and the Two Strings (August 19th) - It's by the studio behind Coraline. I'll probably want to make love to this movie.


I'll be making a second edition of this in August to cover September through December once we get word on some Oscar contenders coming out around then. There are plenty of movies coming out in March through August that I didn't talk about, but I got the big ones I wanted out of the way. Tomorrow - Zootopia review! Next week - others!